I Feel Like I’ve Gotten My Brain Back

CW: Food, Anxiety

It’s been a little over a year since I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I was 21 years old and the worst year of many of our lives was just beginning, although my bad year started a tad earlier than most.

In November 2019, I don’t remember exactly when, I became unable to eat. I didn’t keep track, but looking back on it, I was absolutely eating less than 1,200 calories a day. It wasn’t for lack of trying; I didn’t have an eating disorder that we knew of, I just couldn’t eat. I gagged anytime I thought about food, let alone tried to put any in my mouth. I survived off of the Ensure protein shakes and crackers most of the time. It was literally awful.

I went from a childhood and teenage years of having a loving relationship with food. I ate a lot and I ate often with a quick and ravenous metabolism to counter it all. Back then if you’d asking me, I’d say eating and food was my favorite thing! My metabolism stuck around but my appetite did not. I remember feeling embarrassed of not being able to eat lunch with co-workers or eat dinner when I was out with friends.

I made a trip to the doctor where we had a very candid conversation about all of my problems and thought about what might be causing them. We ran blood tests for chronic illnesses which returned negative results. Thankfully, my doctor was able to read between the lines of my problems and suggested I meet with a psychiatrist. I did, which is where I received a diagnosis of anxiety and medication to help. My doctor and psychiatrist listened and validated what I was dealing with in ways I had never had before. These two women quite literally changed my life.

A Year of Healing

I have always been a very small woman, so losing weight took more than my body could really handle losing. I was frail and it showed. Our number one priority was to get me eating and feeling good. Throughout the year, I have been on SSRIs, eating more regularly and taking a lot of time for myself. This is still a major work in progress for me, but I have gotten to the point where most of my days are good ones.

Now I am in my final semester of college and applying to jobs, an experience that would have paralyzed me a year ago. I am excited and ready to take on the world. I feel like I have gotten my brain and body back.

See the Good

After coming from months of having mostly bad days full of pain, emotionally and physically, I finally feel well again. I gained the weight back and then some. I am at my most happy and healthy size now. These days, it helps me to realize that it’s important to see the good while it’s here.

Bad days are bad, we can all own that, but they don’t last forever, either. I learned that each bad day belongs to itself; Today’s issues aren’t also tomorrow’s. I have worked on letting one tough day just be that, one day. It helps me to recognize the good times when they come and also recognize that, more often than not, they outnumber the bad. It is my hope that even a year from now, I’ll feel even better than I do now. One year later, I am happy to just feel happy, I’ll take it.